US potential

as I was taking a shower, my cellphone suddenly rang (yes, i brought it with me in the bathroom because I don't want my phone to be tampered by my mom-she just wants to look and see who was calling me.) I checked my phone and it was my cousin (i had to drop the call since I still have soap all over me).

after the shower I called her back. Im just going to give you the short version of the whole conversation since it was pretty long. she just came from california and her husband, wilson already went back to the philippines. the kids are in california. my cousin is planning to work double jobs right now. her marriage is now in deep, deep shit.

somewhere along the conversation, I have told her about me telling my mother that AJ and I are officially together. I also told her what my mom said. my mom said that AJ is okay, but is he a US potential? my cousin suddenly laughed and told me that my mother's question was right. sometimes its hard if you are planning to bring another person in a different country.

Is AJ a US potential? will he be able to make it here? will he be happy here? I want him to be happy here. I am not sure if he would adjust well in this country. I would be his only support system. I hope that he loves me enough so that he would be ready to endure more hardship when he would be ready to take the big leap. I really do love him. I don't wanna look for another person. I already know he is the one. I wish that he thinks that I am the one for him too.

oh well.... here I am thinking about these things again. I just wish that he would ocme visit me soon. I dont care if I would have to pay half of his ticket and spend for him here in the US. I just want to see him and kiss him so badly. :(

maybe I am just thinking too far into the future. but sometimes, I really just wanna settle down with him in a house and be happy.

freaking EX!

damnit! when will you ever stop? can you just leave me alone? I am already happy with my life. I dont need you anymore. I dont feel anything for you. its been YEARS since we were a couple. please. let it go. I know you are regretting the things you have done to me but the past is past. I have loved you once, but not anymore. i already sacrificed a lot for you. I did everything that I can but you just cant see things the way they are supposed to be. I grew up but you're still like a child even though you are older than me. up to now you are still after me even though I have alreay told you that I already have somebody else in my life.

i have this feeling you know my blog so if ever you read this.... LEAVE ME AND MY FIANCE ALONE! stalk me again and I will have to get a restraining order. jeez. i tried to be your friennd after we broke up but you still try to get more from me. I already reached my limit for the things you did to me. i just want to thank you for ruining my life, for destroying my father's trust in me. thank you for not admitting your mistakes that up to now you still cant see.

my heart is already beating for another guy. that man is not you. I have somebody else who is very special to me. he owns my heart already. that will never change. stop texting me. get away from my family. LEAVE ME ALONE!

WHy?

why? why is this happening to me? I applied, I know my grades are not good enough, but I was hoping that maybe I would be in their alternate list. ever since I was a child I have always been goal oriented. what I work hard for, I would get it. that's why i work hard every time i would start a project or do something. I had gotten through medals, awards, blackbelts, schools.... everything. I'm not saying Im the perfect child, in fact, i'm far from being the perfect child, but i believe I am holding my own. i have never done anything to embarrass my parents or my family.

but enough of this. my head is throbbing, my eyes are bloodshot, i have just finished one whole day at work after my awful morning of getting the terrible news. I never thought it would be this bad. I have prepared myself for this downfall all summer...and yet, when I got it, I felt like I was kicked in the chest and the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I was driving home, pressing the gas pedal until the car reached a hundred miles per hour in the interstate 95 highway with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't talking. my mother, sitting beside me was also not talking. A hundred thoughts were running through my mind. at least the agony is now over. I already know the answer, but my brain refuses to accept that answer. I would still have to do something about it. I would never be satisfied with myself with just being at this stage. I have to go somewhere. I have to be a somebody. I AM meant to become a somebody. maybe I am just full of it, I dont know. But I know I can reach higher places if I just push myself a little bit more.

I feel so down. I can't even type well. i think my brain cells are freezing. good thing a lot of people are supporting me. I feel like I have disappionted them too. I have remembered a friend of my mother always telling her that she was lucky she has me as her child because I have never given her a problem and that I had always been an asset to them. ever since I had been 6 years old, I have collected several "adopted" parents (adopted meaning whenever I live in their place or even if im not their, they act like my parents, complete with gifts, they call me anak, and would come to recitals and stuff like that.) they range from my mother's sister, her husband, some of my mother's frnds, and even my boss. they have all been behind me all the way, helping me out whenever I need something or when I travel, they go with me and help me have the complete experience.

at another side of things, as soon as I got home, the first person I called was AJ. while I was texting him about my rejection news, I suddenly realized something, I really do love him a lot. I stopped thinking of myself as alone. I already have him. I have already stopped thinking about him and I. it already became Us. when did I notice it? I thought that i have already learned from my past relationships to stop being too dependent on guys. they just break my heart and throw it away in the wind. but somewhere along the line, he crossed all the barriers and went straight to my heart. I felt quite comfortable talking to him about my problems and I was able to tell him all of my fears. I know he is not physically present and yet I feel his presence. honestly, he was the one who made me stop crying. I have to be strong for the two of us. I want him to stay here with me in the US. I want him to establish himself in this country. i want him to be whatever he wants himself to be. but for me to grant those things, I have to be successful too. I have to earn a lot.

what my mom said before rings true for me. its hard for a relationship to last super long without financial support. so I just have to find a way to make more moneym that way, my parents would get of my back.


*sigh* i cannot think straight. at least i just got one realization straight. I love him so much. I just hope he feels the same way . I just wanna be with him 24/7 and live happily ever after.

damn school!

church & guys

for the nth time here in florida, I am once again alone in the church. church is like a haven for me. I get to get away from my problems, my musings, my day dreams, my nightmares and my fears. Its just me and god, talking to each other. I feel as if im a child again, I dont think about the future there. I feel serene, as if I am in control of myself at the same time someone is helping me out, telling me that everything is okay.

I guess this is the reason why I go to church alone even if my life is bleak and dreary. I dont lose hope. I am still hoping that everything will turn out right for me in the end.

back to the topic. as I was sitting in my usual spot at the right hand side of the church near the choir area, I keep on seeing the organ guy keeps on glancing my way. Im not blind to notice his looks. He has this clean shaven look, with this bluish-gray eyes and light brown hair. he looks like he takes care of himself well, the all american good looks. but as the mass was progressing, I see him look my way several more times. I was a little bothered but I pretended not to notice that he was looking at me. near the end of the communion i passed by him as I got the body of christ, we made eye contact. he smiled and I smiled back, but a walked away faster than the usual.

at the end of the mass, as I waited for the priest to walk down the aisle and for the music to finish, I can see him looking my way again. I wasn't looking directly at him, but I can feel his eyes on me. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable then. after the mass, after I said a short prayer for me and for my baby, I saw him walking towards me. as I stood up, he reached my seat and said hi. I also said hi back. he introduced himself as edward. he plays the organ for the church and he sings there too. I also introduced myself as cham. he said he was just wondering if i am interested in joining the choir or any of the activities in the church. I just told him that I would think about it. he gave me his calling card and I was surprised the he's an engineer for GM. he just told me that it was nice meeting me and he was hoping to see me in the church activities soon. he walked me to my car and complimented my car. he said that my car was nice. I agreed with him and then I left.

as I was driving away, it entered my mind that maybe he was trying to come on to me, but it is also possible that he is just trying to make me feel welcome in the community, seeing that I go to church alone and everything.

I dont want to take chances. I try not to make a lot of guy friends because I dont want to call temptation to my door. I love my baby very much that I am willing to do anything to make him happy. I easily get close to guys much faster due to my interest in sports, but now, I really try hard not to.

its funny how people say its hard to find a guy, but in reality it really is EASY to find a guy. what's hard is to find a GOOD GUY. a guy who will match a certain criteria you are looking for. I admit that not all I'm looking for is in my baby, but I love him. there will always come a time that someone smarter, funnier, with a better job, good looking, sweeter and all the other good stuff will come along. but I still wouldn't choose them. I would still choose my baby just because he is who he is.

honestly speaking, I am preparing myself for all the hardships that will come along our way if he would decide to come live with me.

I can't promise him that we would live a life without problems, I can't guarantee that we would always see each other eye to eye, I can't tell him that we would never fight, but one thing I would promise him is that I would love him even after I die. i also promise him that I'll give my best in our relationship. I also promise him that I would give my life just for him to be happy And I promise him that he would never regret loving me.

he does not know it, but I have already given my whole heart to him. out of all the boyfriends I have ever had in my life, he is only the third one that I have ever told my mother. the only one I have told people that he is the only one for me, the only one that I can see myself with in the future.

good thing nobody knows of my blog because if he ever finds out my secrets, I don't know if I can face him again. I have a lot of weakness that I try to hide big time because of the fear of rejection and ridicule. i just hope he would also accept me for who I am. I also hope that I would be his first and last and I hope that he would spend the rest of his life with me, happily.

oh well, here I am again, being super cheezy. reading my promises to him makes me think of those sappy movies where the ending is always a happy one. I just wish that our ending would be a happy one.


for the meantime, I would have to stear clear from the church guy. again.

Are the efforts Im making enough?

I don't know. I guess I expect too much from a guy. maybe i should stop hoping and expecting. i dont know why I feel bad. I just do. I just feel as if I am being take for granted by my boyfriend. He would tell me that if only he could move mountains he would do it, but only simple things in life he couldnt do. which ones? I dunno, maybe taking the initiative to go to the embassy? or getting another sim card so that I can text him? those are just simple things for me. maybe those things are hard for him. I don't know. I should just stop expecting.

I should start convincing myself to stop expecting to much from him. but how come there is no initiative. I know he tries to get home as soon as he can so that he can talk to me. but I also do that too. maybe im just getting all wrapped up over nothing because my phone can't text him anymore. damnit. this is harder than I thought.

the endpoint is, why do I always have to adjust? I know, I know, im just getting stupid over nothing. its just that I... damn. I can't express my feelings well right now. Im so damned crazy over this fucking phone thing. *sob* im just tired of making all the moves. I have already spent hundreds of dollars trying to move my phoneline to another phone line just to text him, but it seems that it was all for nothing. I hope that he will take the initiative for once.

honestly, Im glad he got jealous with me going out last friday. if he wasn't even distinctly jealous, I am convinced that he doesn't love me anymore. i'm so tired right now. i'll write more later.

and one more thing... im still pissed off that he didn't even wait for me when his isp was lagging. oh well. that's life. Maybe I really am meant to have the crappiest things in life.

Am I really this unlucky? I can't even think straight because of these thoughts in my head.

I just need someone to pacify me. I am not asking to be treated like a princess. I have already seen what reality is like. although I wish I would be treated like one though. but far from it. my lifeis so faraway from being treated like a princess, its not even remotely funny.

don't worry, I have already have accepted that. that's the reason why I treat myself to some of the good things in life. I get myself somethings to make me happy, even for just a little while.

this is the reason why I love reading books. it makes my reality disappear. my reality is so bad that i would rather be one of the characters in the books that I read. life sucks.

I guess there is some sense in what my cousin has told me. the guys n the books are not real. they really cannot be that good. because in my life, I am sure. they can never compare to the guys in the books. the guys in my life would never love me for who I am. they would always take me for granted. I will never be their priority in life. i will always be the excess baggage they have to carrry. I have already felt it with my parents. what difference does it make now in my relationships?

my eyes are getting all blurred from crying and from the headache that's brewing in my head.


you know what? maybe, Im not really meant to live that long. maybe im just here for one specific reason, then suddenly, poof! i'll be gone soon. maybe a lot sooner than later. it would really end all my problems. then all of the pressures and the problems will be gone. and I'll be floating in the vast emptiness of space. is it heaven? i don't know yet.

im tired

I am so tired of trying to wake up really earyl just to talk to my boyfriend. im tired of waiting for him to make his move. i am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of him not knowing what i need. i am freaking tired of everything going on.

Its like he doesn't even know the effort that I make. he doesnt even know that I am already having a hard time. he doesnt know that i already am having a hard time trying to sleep because of these things.

why can't he arrange his schedule around me? WHY?!

I don't go out that much just to talk to him. I AM SO FUCKIN TIRED NA!


why the hell am I crying na? WHY? I am so fucking tired of everything!!!!!

why do I always have to take the initiative?! I am so tired. my head is aching so much. damnit.






I'll just go to work early. hopefully someone can understand my pain.