church & guys

for the nth time here in florida, I am once again alone in the church. church is like a haven for me. I get to get away from my problems, my musings, my day dreams, my nightmares and my fears. Its just me and god, talking to each other. I feel as if im a child again, I dont think about the future there. I feel serene, as if I am in control of myself at the same time someone is helping me out, telling me that everything is okay.

I guess this is the reason why I go to church alone even if my life is bleak and dreary. I dont lose hope. I am still hoping that everything will turn out right for me in the end.

back to the topic. as I was sitting in my usual spot at the right hand side of the church near the choir area, I keep on seeing the organ guy keeps on glancing my way. Im not blind to notice his looks. He has this clean shaven look, with this bluish-gray eyes and light brown hair. he looks like he takes care of himself well, the all american good looks. but as the mass was progressing, I see him look my way several more times. I was a little bothered but I pretended not to notice that he was looking at me. near the end of the communion i passed by him as I got the body of christ, we made eye contact. he smiled and I smiled back, but a walked away faster than the usual.

at the end of the mass, as I waited for the priest to walk down the aisle and for the music to finish, I can see him looking my way again. I wasn't looking directly at him, but I can feel his eyes on me. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable then. after the mass, after I said a short prayer for me and for my baby, I saw him walking towards me. as I stood up, he reached my seat and said hi. I also said hi back. he introduced himself as edward. he plays the organ for the church and he sings there too. I also introduced myself as cham. he said he was just wondering if i am interested in joining the choir or any of the activities in the church. I just told him that I would think about it. he gave me his calling card and I was surprised the he's an engineer for GM. he just told me that it was nice meeting me and he was hoping to see me in the church activities soon. he walked me to my car and complimented my car. he said that my car was nice. I agreed with him and then I left.

as I was driving away, it entered my mind that maybe he was trying to come on to me, but it is also possible that he is just trying to make me feel welcome in the community, seeing that I go to church alone and everything.

I dont want to take chances. I try not to make a lot of guy friends because I dont want to call temptation to my door. I love my baby very much that I am willing to do anything to make him happy. I easily get close to guys much faster due to my interest in sports, but now, I really try hard not to.

its funny how people say its hard to find a guy, but in reality it really is EASY to find a guy. what's hard is to find a GOOD GUY. a guy who will match a certain criteria you are looking for. I admit that not all I'm looking for is in my baby, but I love him. there will always come a time that someone smarter, funnier, with a better job, good looking, sweeter and all the other good stuff will come along. but I still wouldn't choose them. I would still choose my baby just because he is who he is.

honestly speaking, I am preparing myself for all the hardships that will come along our way if he would decide to come live with me.

I can't promise him that we would live a life without problems, I can't guarantee that we would always see each other eye to eye, I can't tell him that we would never fight, but one thing I would promise him is that I would love him even after I die. i also promise him that I'll give my best in our relationship. I also promise him that I would give my life just for him to be happy And I promise him that he would never regret loving me.

he does not know it, but I have already given my whole heart to him. out of all the boyfriends I have ever had in my life, he is only the third one that I have ever told my mother. the only one I have told people that he is the only one for me, the only one that I can see myself with in the future.

good thing nobody knows of my blog because if he ever finds out my secrets, I don't know if I can face him again. I have a lot of weakness that I try to hide big time because of the fear of rejection and ridicule. i just hope he would also accept me for who I am. I also hope that I would be his first and last and I hope that he would spend the rest of his life with me, happily.

oh well, here I am again, being super cheezy. reading my promises to him makes me think of those sappy movies where the ending is always a happy one. I just wish that our ending would be a happy one.


for the meantime, I would have to stear clear from the church guy. again.