WHy?
why? why is this happening to me? I applied, I know my grades are not good enough, but I was hoping that maybe I would be in their alternate list. ever since I was a child I have always been goal oriented. what I work hard for, I would get it. that's why i work hard every time i would start a project or do something. I had gotten through medals, awards, blackbelts, schools.... everything. I'm not saying Im the perfect child, in fact, i'm far from being the perfect child, but i believe I am holding my own. i have never done anything to embarrass my parents or my family.
but enough of this. my head is throbbing, my eyes are bloodshot, i have just finished one whole day at work after my awful morning of getting the terrible news. I never thought it would be this bad. I have prepared myself for this downfall all summer...and yet, when I got it, I felt like I was kicked in the chest and the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I was driving home, pressing the gas pedal until the car reached a hundred miles per hour in the interstate 95 highway with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't talking. my mother, sitting beside me was also not talking. A hundred thoughts were running through my mind. at least the agony is now over. I already know the answer, but my brain refuses to accept that answer. I would still have to do something about it. I would never be satisfied with myself with just being at this stage. I have to go somewhere. I have to be a somebody. I AM meant to become a somebody. maybe I am just full of it, I dont know. But I know I can reach higher places if I just push myself a little bit more.
I feel so down. I can't even type well. i think my brain cells are freezing. good thing a lot of people are supporting me. I feel like I have disappionted them too. I have remembered a friend of my mother always telling her that she was lucky she has me as her child because I have never given her a problem and that I had always been an asset to them. ever since I had been 6 years old, I have collected several "adopted" parents (adopted meaning whenever I live in their place or even if im not their, they act like my parents, complete with gifts, they call me anak, and would come to recitals and stuff like that.) they range from my mother's sister, her husband, some of my mother's frnds, and even my boss. they have all been behind me all the way, helping me out whenever I need something or when I travel, they go with me and help me have the complete experience.
at another side of things, as soon as I got home, the first person I called was AJ. while I was texting him about my rejection news, I suddenly realized something, I really do love him a lot. I stopped thinking of myself as alone. I already have him. I have already stopped thinking about him and I. it already became Us. when did I notice it? I thought that i have already learned from my past relationships to stop being too dependent on guys. they just break my heart and throw it away in the wind. but somewhere along the line, he crossed all the barriers and went straight to my heart. I felt quite comfortable talking to him about my problems and I was able to tell him all of my fears. I know he is not physically present and yet I feel his presence. honestly, he was the one who made me stop crying. I have to be strong for the two of us. I want him to stay here with me in the US. I want him to establish himself in this country. i want him to be whatever he wants himself to be. but for me to grant those things, I have to be successful too. I have to earn a lot.
what my mom said before rings true for me. its hard for a relationship to last super long without financial support. so I just have to find a way to make more moneym that way, my parents would get of my back.
*sigh* i cannot think straight. at least i just got one realization straight. I love him so much. I just hope he feels the same way . I just wanna be with him 24/7 and live happily ever after.
damn school!
but enough of this. my head is throbbing, my eyes are bloodshot, i have just finished one whole day at work after my awful morning of getting the terrible news. I never thought it would be this bad. I have prepared myself for this downfall all summer...and yet, when I got it, I felt like I was kicked in the chest and the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I was driving home, pressing the gas pedal until the car reached a hundred miles per hour in the interstate 95 highway with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't talking. my mother, sitting beside me was also not talking. A hundred thoughts were running through my mind. at least the agony is now over. I already know the answer, but my brain refuses to accept that answer. I would still have to do something about it. I would never be satisfied with myself with just being at this stage. I have to go somewhere. I have to be a somebody. I AM meant to become a somebody. maybe I am just full of it, I dont know. But I know I can reach higher places if I just push myself a little bit more.
I feel so down. I can't even type well. i think my brain cells are freezing. good thing a lot of people are supporting me. I feel like I have disappionted them too. I have remembered a friend of my mother always telling her that she was lucky she has me as her child because I have never given her a problem and that I had always been an asset to them. ever since I had been 6 years old, I have collected several "adopted" parents (adopted meaning whenever I live in their place or even if im not their, they act like my parents, complete with gifts, they call me anak, and would come to recitals and stuff like that.) they range from my mother's sister, her husband, some of my mother's frnds, and even my boss. they have all been behind me all the way, helping me out whenever I need something or when I travel, they go with me and help me have the complete experience.
at another side of things, as soon as I got home, the first person I called was AJ. while I was texting him about my rejection news, I suddenly realized something, I really do love him a lot. I stopped thinking of myself as alone. I already have him. I have already stopped thinking about him and I. it already became Us. when did I notice it? I thought that i have already learned from my past relationships to stop being too dependent on guys. they just break my heart and throw it away in the wind. but somewhere along the line, he crossed all the barriers and went straight to my heart. I felt quite comfortable talking to him about my problems and I was able to tell him all of my fears. I know he is not physically present and yet I feel his presence. honestly, he was the one who made me stop crying. I have to be strong for the two of us. I want him to stay here with me in the US. I want him to establish himself in this country. i want him to be whatever he wants himself to be. but for me to grant those things, I have to be successful too. I have to earn a lot.
what my mom said before rings true for me. its hard for a relationship to last super long without financial support. so I just have to find a way to make more moneym that way, my parents would get of my back.
*sigh* i cannot think straight. at least i just got one realization straight. I love him so much. I just hope he feels the same way . I just wanna be with him 24/7 and live happily ever after.
damn school!
posted by vincristine @ 9:45 AM
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