Are the efforts Im making enough?

I don't know. I guess I expect too much from a guy. maybe i should stop hoping and expecting. i dont know why I feel bad. I just do. I just feel as if I am being take for granted by my boyfriend. He would tell me that if only he could move mountains he would do it, but only simple things in life he couldnt do. which ones? I dunno, maybe taking the initiative to go to the embassy? or getting another sim card so that I can text him? those are just simple things for me. maybe those things are hard for him. I don't know. I should just stop expecting.

I should start convincing myself to stop expecting to much from him. but how come there is no initiative. I know he tries to get home as soon as he can so that he can talk to me. but I also do that too. maybe im just getting all wrapped up over nothing because my phone can't text him anymore. damnit. this is harder than I thought.

the endpoint is, why do I always have to adjust? I know, I know, im just getting stupid over nothing. its just that I... damn. I can't express my feelings well right now. Im so damned crazy over this fucking phone thing. *sob* im just tired of making all the moves. I have already spent hundreds of dollars trying to move my phoneline to another phone line just to text him, but it seems that it was all for nothing. I hope that he will take the initiative for once.

honestly, Im glad he got jealous with me going out last friday. if he wasn't even distinctly jealous, I am convinced that he doesn't love me anymore. i'm so tired right now. i'll write more later.

and one more thing... im still pissed off that he didn't even wait for me when his isp was lagging. oh well. that's life. Maybe I really am meant to have the crappiest things in life.

Am I really this unlucky? I can't even think straight because of these thoughts in my head.

I just need someone to pacify me. I am not asking to be treated like a princess. I have already seen what reality is like. although I wish I would be treated like one though. but far from it. my lifeis so faraway from being treated like a princess, its not even remotely funny.

don't worry, I have already have accepted that. that's the reason why I treat myself to some of the good things in life. I get myself somethings to make me happy, even for just a little while.

this is the reason why I love reading books. it makes my reality disappear. my reality is so bad that i would rather be one of the characters in the books that I read. life sucks.

I guess there is some sense in what my cousin has told me. the guys n the books are not real. they really cannot be that good. because in my life, I am sure. they can never compare to the guys in the books. the guys in my life would never love me for who I am. they would always take me for granted. I will never be their priority in life. i will always be the excess baggage they have to carrry. I have already felt it with my parents. what difference does it make now in my relationships?

my eyes are getting all blurred from crying and from the headache that's brewing in my head.


you know what? maybe, Im not really meant to live that long. maybe im just here for one specific reason, then suddenly, poof! i'll be gone soon. maybe a lot sooner than later. it would really end all my problems. then all of the pressures and the problems will be gone. and I'll be floating in the vast emptiness of space. is it heaven? i don't know yet.