proving things

okay, first of all, i'm not really choosy with the guys i'm dating. my criterias? you should be responsible, have similar goals with me and can make me laugh. oh yeah, you should also LOVE me. is that so much to ask? no right?

anyway, moving on, I have met someone who fills my criterias and more. the downfall? i don't think he's going to reach my mother's criteria--or my father's for that matter. doesn't that suck? I know parents want whats best for you, but hello!!! you are the one dating him, not them.

I don't choose guys who are irresponsible, who I think are bad influences. i don't choose them coz they're hot or good looking, I choose them because they have character. I choose them because we have a spark, and they communicate well with me. I choose them because I actually think that we might have a future together.

I know that every parent wants their kid to have a good life. I would want one too. but what makes them think that I wouldn't have a good one with this one?

This is the only hesitation I have. I want to tell my parents so bad that i love this person, but apparently, he seems to come up short with them. sure, they met him, and yes they think he's pretty good, but not for me... oh yeah, not for me.

but I think he's good enough for me. sure he's not a doctor, sure, I may have studied something much higher than he have studied, but he's good enough for me. I think he is pretty responsible and he is not afraid of the future.

fine, he is not rich. but so am I. I am not rich. I wouldn't even say I am well off. I don't have a job or anything. at least he has a job.

I do hope my family will accept you. I know you are not a doctor, but to me, you rock!

proving things

okay, first of all, i'm not really choosy with the guys i'm dating. my criterias? you should be responsible, have similar goals with me and can make me laugh. oh yeah, you should also LOVE me. is that so much to ask? no right?

anyway, moving on, I have met someone who fills my criterias and more. the downfall? i don't think he's going to reach my mother's criteria--or my father's for that matter. doesn't that suck? I know parents want whats best for you, but hello!!! you are the one dating him, not them.

I don't choose guys who are irresponsible, who I think are bad influences. i don't choose them coz they're hot or good looking, I choose them because they have character. I choose them because we have a spark, and they communicate well with me. I choose them because I actually think that we might have a future together.

I know that every parent wants their kid to have a good life. I would want one too. but what makes them think that I wouldn't have a good one with this one?

This is the only hesitation I have. I want to tell my parents so bad that i love this person, but apparently, he seems to come up short with them. sure, they met him, and yes they think he's pretty good, but not for me... oh yeah, not for me.

but I think he's good enough for me. sure he's not a doctor, sure, I may have studied something much higher than he have studied, but he's good enough for me. I think he is pretty responsible and he is not afraid of the future.

fine, he is not rich. but so am I. I am not rich. I wouldn't even say I am well off. I don't have a job or anything. at least he has a job.

I do hope my family will accept you. I know you are not a doctor, but to me, you rock!

Scared of love

yep, you read it right. Actually, i am wondering if i am scared of love. i have been in a lot of relationships and flings but was not really there. yes, i was attached to those guys, and yes i would say that I have loved them, but all of them didn't last long. it would last for a couple of years but it would suddenly end. i didn't have any regrets. i learned a lot of lessons from these people. they are the ones who helped me be this way. i believe that they made me stronger.

And then there is LOVE. this is the love that i think i am feeling right now.

At my age, i think i met this wonderful guy who can make me smile just by thinking about him. i admit, he is not perfect, he has his flaws, but for me, he is just right.

he has this innocence about him that i want to protect him from all the harshness of life. He is also a gentleman at all times. I know i can count on him when the need arises. we share the same outlook on life that probably everyone would laugh at us if they can hear us talking about our principles. we also have our differences, but those differences are just minimal.

maybe it is too early to tell, maybe the distance between is is just too great, but i can't help it. i just love him to much that i hurt everytime i think of him. that's how much i miss him and love him.

i feel so scared. i mean, being a couple at this distance is just so hard. you can never be there for that person and same for him too.

Will it last long? is my love for him the same as his love for me? will our love be enough for us to endure those long, and cold sleepless night? Will this love be strong enough to fight all the temptations near us? will it be enough to last us throughout our lifetime?

our memories are so little that sometimes when i am so sleepy, i tend to forget those little details that when i wake up, i try to capture them again, one by one and piece by piece, hoping, that i would be able to keep those few memories whole.

If i have a video cam i would have taped each of our time together so that i could preserve them forever. and if i would feel sad, i would just have to take it out, see those precious moments and i know i would feel whole again.

don't get me wrong, i have those memories locked in my heart forever. they are etched inside my heart so deep that removing those memories full of love and happiness would just destroy me.


So please don't blame me if i tell you i am scared of love. I think I am just too scared of loving you so much.

Who am I?

for the most part of my life, i have always been sure of myself, of where to go and what to do, but right now i am standings at one of the major crossroads of my life. i really dont know what to do.

the only time i would admit that i have a lot of regrets in my life. at an early age, i have trained myself to follow my parents because i know that they would lead me to greater things. i have done that, but i feel that i have failed.

my main regret?
it would probably be me studying at UP college of pharmacy. i had a lot of good times in that college, and yet i also experienced the worst of its kind.

i have graduated but i seem to have the aftermath of studying in that school. In the philippines alone, graduating from UP is already a big thing. you're the "iskolar ng bayan", the future of the filipino people.

Little did they know what happened behind those doors. i graduated pharmacy without honors, but i was really happy that i was able to survive those years inside that hellhole. yes, i admit i had a lot of good times, but the bad ones are so bad they leave you scars for a lifetime.

I honestly don't know who to blame, maybe it was the teachers because of the never ending homeworks and exams, maybe it was the curriculum because it does not seem to be planned well, but most of all, i would blame myself. MAYBE i wasn't really cut out to be a student of UP college of pharmacy.

I know i graduated. but I JUST graduated. it was nothing. I dont even have any good grades to show off those seemingly endless nights, those gallons of coffee, tea and colas just to keep you awake, those trips to various petshops, museums, libraries just to get the right type of information for your homework.

I just feel so frustrated. I am both proud and ashamed. Yes, i graduated, but i dont have anything to show. people say that grades does not matter, but in real life, IT DOES. who are you kidding?

I know I am intelligent. i know i can do things that other people cannot do, and yet i cannot even prove myself because my grades are not GOOD ENOUGH.

those freaking C's i keep getting are the ones that gave me nightmares everytime i go to sleep. they are the ones that made me feel sick everytime i go to school.

I worked hard for those grades and yet it did not show. i would always ask myself if i deserve this grade, with my efforts, i would say no, but when i would look at my exams, i would have to say yes.

UP used to be a part of my dream. i mean, what more can you ask for? you are part of the BEST in the country. yeah right. right now i am just a small speck of dust trying to find my way here in the US. me graduating from UP does not matter. the grades from UP does matter. and those grades are so messed up, just looking at them makes me dizzy, weak, lightheaded and heavy hearted all at once.

UP shattered my dream of becoming a doctor of medicine. I was hoping I would become a doctor of pharmacy, but once again, UP will destroy it once more. I can never give myself another shot at that area.

all that hard work for nothing. now, i have to close one chapter of my life and i would have to open a new one. i would have to study again and hope that one day, my grades wouldnt matter, that i could just be myself and show my true potential of being a good person.

god, help me. i am at my weakest right now. no one can understand the pain and shame that i am feeling. i know this is light compared to some problems, i just have to admit that i am so weak. i have been kneaded, hammered and whatnots and i feel that i have no more direction left in me. please guide me in my plight. i want to become a good pharmacist here in the US. i know I can do if given the chance.