Who am I?

for the most part of my life, i have always been sure of myself, of where to go and what to do, but right now i am standings at one of the major crossroads of my life. i really dont know what to do.

the only time i would admit that i have a lot of regrets in my life. at an early age, i have trained myself to follow my parents because i know that they would lead me to greater things. i have done that, but i feel that i have failed.

my main regret?
it would probably be me studying at UP college of pharmacy. i had a lot of good times in that college, and yet i also experienced the worst of its kind.

i have graduated but i seem to have the aftermath of studying in that school. In the philippines alone, graduating from UP is already a big thing. you're the "iskolar ng bayan", the future of the filipino people.

Little did they know what happened behind those doors. i graduated pharmacy without honors, but i was really happy that i was able to survive those years inside that hellhole. yes, i admit i had a lot of good times, but the bad ones are so bad they leave you scars for a lifetime.

I honestly don't know who to blame, maybe it was the teachers because of the never ending homeworks and exams, maybe it was the curriculum because it does not seem to be planned well, but most of all, i would blame myself. MAYBE i wasn't really cut out to be a student of UP college of pharmacy.

I know i graduated. but I JUST graduated. it was nothing. I dont even have any good grades to show off those seemingly endless nights, those gallons of coffee, tea and colas just to keep you awake, those trips to various petshops, museums, libraries just to get the right type of information for your homework.

I just feel so frustrated. I am both proud and ashamed. Yes, i graduated, but i dont have anything to show. people say that grades does not matter, but in real life, IT DOES. who are you kidding?

I know I am intelligent. i know i can do things that other people cannot do, and yet i cannot even prove myself because my grades are not GOOD ENOUGH.

those freaking C's i keep getting are the ones that gave me nightmares everytime i go to sleep. they are the ones that made me feel sick everytime i go to school.

I worked hard for those grades and yet it did not show. i would always ask myself if i deserve this grade, with my efforts, i would say no, but when i would look at my exams, i would have to say yes.

UP used to be a part of my dream. i mean, what more can you ask for? you are part of the BEST in the country. yeah right. right now i am just a small speck of dust trying to find my way here in the US. me graduating from UP does not matter. the grades from UP does matter. and those grades are so messed up, just looking at them makes me dizzy, weak, lightheaded and heavy hearted all at once.

UP shattered my dream of becoming a doctor of medicine. I was hoping I would become a doctor of pharmacy, but once again, UP will destroy it once more. I can never give myself another shot at that area.

all that hard work for nothing. now, i have to close one chapter of my life and i would have to open a new one. i would have to study again and hope that one day, my grades wouldnt matter, that i could just be myself and show my true potential of being a good person.

god, help me. i am at my weakest right now. no one can understand the pain and shame that i am feeling. i know this is light compared to some problems, i just have to admit that i am so weak. i have been kneaded, hammered and whatnots and i feel that i have no more direction left in me. please guide me in my plight. i want to become a good pharmacist here in the US. i know I can do if given the chance.