My Toxic Mind

Sunday, February 11, 2007

masakit

It hurts when you leave someone, but It hurts more when someone leaves you. I can feel it now. my baby already left me. physically, emotionally, spiritually. I never thought we would end this way. I guess he already found someone new. I honestly don't know if I can take it. I have a knife beside me. all I need is to plunge it.

I feel really hurt. REALLY REALLY hurt. my god. help me. help me bear with this pain. help me. give me courage to go through this. i'm really scared. I am so fucking scared lord. I can't help it.

I gave all of my love to him. for him. I am ready to make big steps for him. hindi ko na kaya ito. sobrang sakit. I feel like I would burst.

my head is throbbing. I dont want to call or talk to anyone. I am just scared. too scared. please help me out. hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko.

professionally wala. relationship-wise, nada. so what am I? nothing? chopped liver?

kill me. please. I beg you.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

to my baby....

thank you for having the courage to tell me. I do hope you'll change your mind.

please be brave enough for the two of us. it is for our future too. believe me, you have nothing to lose, but more to gain. I will always be with you every step of the way.

don't be afraid of things. one of the reasons why I fell in love with you (in love with you still) is that you know what is right. and you follow through things. you persevere in issues/moments that need persevering and I really admire you for that.

all the things i wish for are not bad for you. everything I wish for you are good things.


wag ka magpadala sa past experiences mo. we can start all over. a clean slate. nobody will know the past. only the present.... and hopefully a glimpse of the future.

what happened to other people will not happen to you. life is really short, we can't experience everything and learn everything, that's why we need to learn from others' experiences too, so that we may enjoy life more.

what happened to your uncle will not happen to you. I'm not gonna let that happen. over my friggin dead body. please reconsider your choice on what to do in the near future.


you keep on asking me how come I love you when someone who seems "better" is lurking around me.

I will say it again. he is not YOU.

I told you before and I'll tell it to you again, I gave you my heart. it's up to you whatever you want to do with it. stomp on it, kick it, break it into hundreds of pieces, I dont care.

I dont give my love to anyone freely. but with you, if there anything better than free, then that is what you have.

to my baby:

hello. wala lang. I guess you're wondering bakit ako nagsulat sayo ng letter.

kasi, it is still bugging me why you dont want to study. I feel bad because you can't seem to remove that fear from your mind. maybe youre not that mature yet that's why you can't see the purpose why I want you to continue your studies.

you are a very bright person, and yet your fear hinders you from being your best.

sa gusto mo na ba maging call center agent forever? is that how you see our life?

look inside yourself, you know you are meant for greater things than being shouted at. you have a chance to be your own boss, to shine.

buti sana if i'm asking you to do bad things... pero kahit baliktarin mo ang mundo, hindi masama ito. it is also for your own good.

do you know how proud I am when you told me that you already told your parents about taking up nursing? I was so proud of you. do you know why? I can already see you maturing right before my eyes. I was thinking: "now this is the man. This is my man. he knows what's best for us"


you told me your greatest fear is not meeting my expectations.... do you want to know my expectation? I expect you to TRY. just try. how hard would it be to try?

trying is not the same as failing. it's a gamble, yes. but at least you TRIED. and I would be so proud of you, just by trying. pwede nmn hindi nursing lang eh. you can study other things... pwede ka mag IT or something else... a better paying job, kung saan pwede ka pang umakyat sa corporate ladder....

dont close yourself to just being a call center agent. that is the most immature way to think of things baby. you have great potential. you just have to tap into that.

you know yourself baby.remember when you told me you got a 98 on your biology subject? it is a sign that you are very intelligent, you just have to get your groove on.

also remember that you are not the only one in the boat. kasama mo rin ako. buti sana kung iiwan kita sa hangin. hindi kita iiwan baby. you know that. I made you a promise that I will love you & I would take care of you, but can you also help me help you?

totoo, mahirap mag memorize.napagdaanan ko yan. nakita mo nnmn kung gaano karami ang halaman at gamot sa mundo... alam ko ang mga scientific name nila and medicinal purposes. it took me a long time. pero up to now, hindi ko pa rin sobrang alam yan.

you dont have to memorize everything. help me help you enjoy things. we may not be in the same school, but I'll be your tutor, & your slave.

hindi ko pinuput down baby ang mga call center agents, but it really is not healthy. you can earn more with lesser hours with more time for yourself, just earn a degree. you know that for a fact baby. why not take a risk?

is it because of another girl too? kaya nag iba ang decision mo?

let me tell you something, every girl loves their boyfriend differently. the girl you're looking at right now may want you because your taken, or because of your good traits (believe me, you have a lot). but they may also find someone who is better than you (maraming ganyang babae tlga. believe me, may mga kilala akong ganyan)

and you will be left with nothing. I'm not like that. a year seems short to tell a person that you know them well. but I also know that you know, I never joke around when it comes to love. when I give you my word, it really is my word. I never break it.

when I tell you I'm behind you, close your eyes, you will still feel my presence.

I hope you will think MATURELY baby. this is for your future... and our future.

palagi mo saking sinasabi nag ang mga chinese dapat sila ang bumubuhay sa pamilya, na sila ang dapat nagdadala... na may pride kayo... na responsable kayo...

I'm ready to see more of that in you. :D

you know what is right... and you know that nobody can love you the way I do.



sorry baby, I just want to write this down. I'm sorry I'm hurting you by writing this down, pero sana tlga maicp mo ng mabuti.

I love you very much asawa ko! sana hindi ka magalit. T_T

Saturday, February 03, 2007

I feel sad

my baby does not seem to want to talk to me. *sob* oh well. i guess he does not miss me enough.

I had grown so dependent on him. I never thought I would but I did. oh well.


at least I have someone else to lean on to. :D maybe I should go to his house today and spend the whole day with him. that would be nice. ^_^

I hope we can go to the beach. then he would rub sunblock on my back.... *sigh* must not let imagination run wild.

remember, you are just friends. he may want ore but you can't. dont ever EVER forget that.

why does he have to be so darn cute?! and sweet and sexy, and charming, and so caring and so sensitive....

why does he have to look at e with those soulful eyes of his that seems to make me the only person he would care about? WHY?! argggggghhhhhhh!

Friday, February 02, 2007

a friend's letter

I dont know how I fell deeply for you. I have only known you for a short time. we started hanging out with each other and as we spend more time together, I have come to admire you greatly.

You have this quiet confidence in you. you dont have to speak loudly in order for you to be heard. you are very logical, practical and intelligent. I really value your thoughts.

just seeing your smile everyday makes my day complete. I would even daydream about you, smiling at me.

your loyalty astounds me. a boyfriend that doesn't seem to realize that he has a diamond in his hands, but you still love him. I won't criticize your boyfriend in this letter but in a nutshell, he really does not deserve you. you really deserve a better person.

I would like to enumerate all of your good qualities but I know this letter would be too long to read if I do that and I know you know all your qualities by now.

It just hurts me to see you get hurt, especially by the person you say you love most. I never thought I would feel this way about someone, but I am feeling this way, and I'm glad this person is you.

I really dont get it that you still love him. when we are together and you talk about him, I feel your sadness. how come he can't even visit you or call you why do you have to be the one to call him? I dont get it. If I was your guy, I would REALLY move halfway around the world. i am a man. a gentleman at that. I would protect my girlfriend. I would like to be around her 24/7. I would change jobs just to be with her always...

I guess you're thinking that I am just saying these things because im not your boyfriend. I have been spending a lot of time with you for the past few months. sometimes, when we are together, i just pretend that I'm your boyfriend. I love holding your hands. I dont care if its a little rough. for me, its the softest hand. I wish i'm your lip gloss so that I may touch your lips with mine.

I am just rambling. actually i am scared. I know you want to move back in your country. partially because of your boyfriend and also because of studies (see, this is what I admire about you. you really are goal oriented). but I know you wouldn't move back to the philippines if I was your boyfriend.


i just dont want you to go. nobody will take care of you there. your boyfriend can't even take care of himself, how can he take care of you? I can take care of you. we can take care of each other. whenever you put your head on my shoulder, I feel contented.I rarely feel contented, but when I'm with you, all hell can break loose but I wouldn't care. not If I am with you.

I better end this now before I end up making you think I am a lunatic. just think about it well.is HE WORTH IT?

you have a good life here. why go to an uglier life?


I know you're gonna get mad at me after you see this letter in your locker. call me, anytime tonight. I know we're going to have a long discussion. :D I can't wait.








a friend of mine gave me this letter. after all the things happening to me.... it really makes one wonder. helppppppp!!!