to die or not to die? that is the question.

eversince I was a kid i have been one of the more outspoken advocates of anti suicide people. I mean, come on, we just get this chance once, right? so we might as well do good with it.

my old motto was: "live life to the fullest." I did that. in a good way. i dont drink nor smoke. i'm into sports, i love school, basically, i love life.

honestly, there were only three incidents that made me think otherwise. the first one was when my father and mother decided that they really hate each other's guts that's why they have to go to their own separate ways, the second one is that when my dad was stalking me when i was still studying pharmacy in UP and everything was basically going the wrong way. i say damn it to hell!


the third one? it's NOW. yep. now. i guess im tired of living. i guess im gonna die without feeling the joys of motherhood and stuff.

the best way to die for me?
carbon monoxide poisoning. i just have to make sure my car would have an incomplete combustion and then put it inside a closed area ( with me inside it of course!) turn on the ac and listen to the cd's i burned. then i would die a quiet death.

seee?! its not brutal, it will still leave me intact and im gonna look good on my deathbed. well, maybe they can make my face look thinner or something. my mom always wanted me to look thin.

i guess you are wondering why i want to kill myself right now. for one simple reason: things are not going my way. i know i know, you guys are going to tell my im a spoiled brat. i heard that from my mom. fine! try living with a monstrous stepdad. i know he does not hit me physically (as if he can do that~techincally speaking, i can definitely kick his ass right now). but emotionally, my GOD! i'd rather have him kicking my ass everyday. the emotional wounds are terrible!

the thing is, I can't fight back. because my mother loves him. my own mother can't even understand me. pathetic huh?

I can't even understand myself anymore. I guess that is much more pathetic. because i can't understand myself. I dont know my own identity. the things i was mostly associated with are not with me anymore.


i am just to distraught to talk about it right now. my emotions are going berserk.

no. it is not from the lack of t3 and t4.

it is from the lack of understanding.

thank you everyone for not understanding.

one lesson i learned eversince i was a kid you can never blame anyone except yourself. i am an only child so I do know.

there is noone I can lean on to.~this I know now for a fact. NO ONE. i can't even find my imaginary friend anymore. jeez. how pathetic can that be?! lol just kidding


anyway, if ever i would die and all my secrets would be known, i just wanna say i really am sorry for the wrong things i have done.

btw, i do mean every sorry i say. you just think i don't, but i do.


The most thing i would be sorry for is that i really am sorry for living this long.

maybe only a handful will only go to my funeral. some of them would probably remember me for a while, but they would also forget me soon. i am just nothing but a spec of dust in this damn world we live in right now.

only a couple of people would cry. maybe two or three. pathetic.

I do hope I would get buried in the philippines.

if its too costly, just cremate me and scatter me in at least 5 kinds of beaches all over the world. one should be in the philippines.

my stuff can go to anyone who wants it. let my boyfriend choose what he wants from my things too, if he is still my boyfrnd.


I just hope that some people would at least be touched with the things I did, even if i am just a nobody.

I know a lot of people would be happier without me. believe me, i can count right now, especially where i am living right now.


thanks for everybody who made my life happier than it should be.